How to Speak Presbyterian
By Jeanne and Owen Welles

Presbyterians do not have any shibboleths nor do they usually speak in tongues--it just sounds that way. Certain phrases or expressions are used by Presbyterians in ways peculiar to them--even Presbyterians who aren't otherwise peculiar.

Presbyterians talk a lot, both to God and each other. Our constitution even has rules about talking. All meetings open and close with prayer--even telephone conference calls. Discussion takes place before decisions are reached, and those who speak are admonished to avoid prolixity (a euphemism for running off at the mouth or using 100 words to say 10).

We always try to use "inclusive language" so no one feels left out, avoiding words like "mankind" when we mean all people and telling worshipers to stand when some of us are in wheelchairs. Using inclusive language when speaking about God keeps us from placing artificial limits on God, who may not be a bearded Anglo-Saxon Republican after all.

While we can't eliminate sin, we could clean up our syntax. Church members are part of the congregation of a "particular church," not a "local congregation" or a "local church." And our particular church is not "the Rev. Carmen Wong's church"; it is God's church, where Carmen Wong is the pastor.

Carmen is a "minister of the Word and sacrament" and a "continuing member of presbytery." That means she's what is generally referred to as a "minister." Only in this case she's the shepherd of a group of believers: a pastor. She was not "hired" by the congregation or church; she was "called," and the terms of call define her compensation. Pastors don't quit or resign; the pastoral relationship with a particular church is dissolved by the presbytery. This can result in a vacant pulpit but never a "vacant church." The list goes on and on.

The Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) prides itself on doing things "decently and in order," but sometimes the concern for order seems almost indecent. Almost everything Presbyterians do is done through or by committees. If committees are the lifeblood of the denomination, we have a lot of blood types: standing, stated, special, study, advisory, ecumenical, executive, select, steering, program, ecclesiastical, permanent, and ad hoc. Then there are the permutations of committees: boards, councils, panels, task forces, commissions and conferences. This list is not exhaustive even though the participants are often exhausted.

The reason for having committees is to have meetings, and the reason for having meetings is to come together to discuss matters of concern, and the reason for discussion is to be able to refer matters to committees. This is called corporate decision-making.

When it comes to meetings, we leave the rules to Robert (as in Robert's Rules of Order, and don't ask who Robert is), but add refinements of our own. One such is the "overture." An overture is a motion to take a certain action that begins: "Resolved, That . . ." and is preceded by a list of "Whereas . . . " clauses. Generally the importance of the action is in inverse proportion to the number of Whereases.

The word "overture" can also be used as a verb, as in "The session overtured the presbytery to ban the use of computer printouts." Our highest decision-making body (except, of course, God), the General Assembly, exists on a diet of overtures generated by governing bodies lower down on the food chain.

An "agenda" is a listing of the items of business to be considered at a meeting; a "docket" is pretty much the same thing but states the time at which items will be discussed. Stating the time is important if, for example, adjournment is to take place before the Super Bowl game starts.

"Moderators" are the people who chair committees or preside over meetings; the moderator of a session is the pastor. Two things strike terror into the heart of a moderator: running behind the docket, and having the deliberative body unwittingly act as a committee of the whole. The latter happens when the whole body tries to do the work of a particular committee; the result can be chaotic and often leads to the dreaded sin of prolixity.

Some terms or phrases sound impressive but need translation if their actual meaning is to be understood.

• "The way being clear"--words tacked on to a motion to help get around any conflicting regulations
• A motion to "study the question" or "refer it to a committee"--a way of postponing action in hopes that a difficult problem will go away
• "Challenge budget"--what God would spend if God had money
• "Basic budget"--reality
• "Purge the rolls"--remove deadwood from the membership list in order to reduce a particular church's per capita apportionment (tax)

The initial problem we have in the PC is the use of acronyms that punctuate reports from the GA, abound in every GB, and are seen all through the FOG even though they are deplored by the SC and banned from the BO. At last count the acronyms used in the PCUSA exceeded the number of hairs on Samson's head and Delilah wasn't even in sight.

Clearly it is not possible in one short article to enlighten the unlettered except in a very abbreviated way. But here is a beginner's guide to Ecclesiastical Scrabble:

BO--Book of Order
CE--Christian Education
CIF--Church Information Form
COCU--Consultation on Church Union
FOG--Form of Government
GA--General Assembly
GAC--General Assembly Council
GB--Governing Body
HR--Honorably Retired
KJ or KJV--King James Version
MYPS--Mission Yearbook for Prayer & Study
MSC--Moved, seconded, carried
NCC--National Council of Churches
NRSV--New Revised Standard Version
OGHS--One Great Hour of Sharing
PIF--Personal Information Form
PNC--Pastor Nominating Committee
PC--Presbyterian Church (you thought it was going to be personal computer)
PCUSA--Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.)
RSV--Revised Standard Version
SC--Stated Clerk
WARC--World Alliance of Reformed Churches
WCC--World Council of Churches

If you have read this far, you are ready to speak Presbyterian, unpronounceable acronyms aside (which is where they should be). So speak up, speak out, and remember: while Presbyterians rarely speak in tongues, they sometimes speak with tongue in cheek.

Jeanne and Owen Welles, retired members of the Presbyterian Church of the Siuslaw in Florence, Ore., say they live in "Geriatric Row" on the Central Oregon Coast.